I dont know what's wrong with me...:[ im soo sad yet i dont even know why... i feel like i wanna go somewhere alone but at the same time I want someone with me. :[ theres alot of things on my mind. Problems about stuff but I already know the solutions. >.< the fuck is wrong with meee..i feel so alone and i can't even talk to anyone about it. I'm scared of how they'd react. I can't believe i claim to have best friends yet I can't even tell them how i feel. :[ i thought its better to just keep it to myself because i'll keep hearing the same things, same solution i tell myself..so theres really know use :[ yet i still feel soo lonely and sad. i feel so sad, so lonely, so lethargic, so disappointed, so left out, so slow, so down, so emotional. I wanna break free from this lonelyness..i wanna be happy, i wanna have my confident back, i wanna be brave ToT tears are beginning to come out..is that a good thing.. .-. is it gonna change anything..

i was outside my parking lot just walking..there was my sister, alex, andrew, my brother, naram, and a bunch of people i dont know xD they all looked like rockers haha anyboo then i saw J and i was talking to him then he hugged me from behind..and i said noo im prego..then he's like its ok..and just held my tummy..and i smiled..then i wanted to turn around and hug him..but he walked away...o.o then i walked toward the entrance of my parking lot and i saw him sitting down on the corner if a dude next to him and some girl and these other rockers surrounding my brothers car..just sitting there playing cards..or just talking..then i sat alone on the stairs with a blanket and checking out my phone. Suddenly i just glance over to the group and i see J just sitting there talking to other people..then suddenly some group of guys appeared as if they were doing a music video xD lol! hahahah in my parking lot. ahaha..then yea haha i woke up xD

i guess it was a concert xD

So my parents are going to scold me, hurt me, make my life miserable, and the list goes on..all because i got a letter from my school saying my financial got denied and the fact that I am being dismissed from my school due to my poor grades. I have NOT told them but seriously I need to tell them soon! I'm a wimp though T.T I hate being asian...filipino actually but ugh..so strict. Or they just expect too much. I'm fucked... hmph...my confidence went out the window. I feel like everything I'll say is going to make things worse or i dont know. Should I just send him an email? saying all those shit? o.o and say "P.S. Don't confront me in person please..just email me back..I'm too scared." thats lame. i guess maybe it'll prevent me from being screamed at...it won't really just make me cry..it'll just help us talk instead of just crying and having him say negative shit..i know what i've done wrong..i don't need anyone saying "i told you so.." fuck that! T.T i know what i did wrong...i need someone to try to understand me and i need help trying to make it. im so lost..i dont know which way to go first.. i wasted 2 years of my life...not accomplishing anything...just trying to ignore my problems as much as possible..sooo i ignored it and there you go...made it worse.. i feel like i don't diserve a social life..i dont diserve to have a good time..i dont diserve anything. T.T i don't diserve my parents love...i dont diserve my mommy's wonderful food. i dont diserve the bed that they just bought me..i dont diserve it at all. someone who's smart, appreciative, and a better someone diserve what i have. i dont give anything but headaches... i'm a bad child....i dont diserve such nice parents..who does all those things for me..